The following is my blog from Bp Magazine. It starts like this….
My brain has an extra groove when I’m depressed. This mood swing opens a channel where music and conversations are recorded and played back over and over and over again. I then fly back to my past and dwell on what went wrong and feel an incredible sadness.
My latest depression happened while I was revisiting the original Broadway cast recording of Evita with Patti Lupone and Mandy Patinkin. I am not saying this caused my depression (haha), but it was in my ears when the down swing hit.
One line from one song got stuck in my head: “It doesn’t matter what the morons say….” It started to loop. I heard bits of the music and then the words, then the music and then the words.
As the depression progressed, my brain took me back to my failed relationship with my first husband that was ended by my bipolar disorder. Normally, when I think of this wonderful man it is with a tinge of sadness, but nothing overwhelming. When depressed, it’s a fresh wound. Then, my brain, my out of whack depressed brain took me back to my first boyfriend whom I met when 19. At the time, I was manic and then was dumped for being too emotional and young. This was the start of my first serious depression. I looked up his picture on the internet. What a mess.
Why am I telling you this? Because I DO NOT have these thoughts nor do I dwell on the past when stable. Music isn’t looping and I don’t cry all of the time. These are depression symptoms. If I let myself get too into the music or the thoughts, I will loose my mind and the depression will take hold of my life as it did in the past.
Music is always a part of my depression. I hear the notes differently when depressed. All of the minor keys stick out and I find myself thinking of sad movies like Brokeback Mountain and the music that accompanied the sad scenes. It’s obsessive. I hate it.
So I fight it. I know my depression very well. It has been my companion for over 30 years. It is not a friend. Maybe it is a teacher, but it is not allowed to stick around.
Sometimes it’s so severe, I feel that I am buried in mud. But this is not a depressing post.
This is a positive story to show you how I fight this monster and stop the music looping—and the insane dwelling on my past loves. This is what I do every minute that I can when the depression strikes:
And then I give you ideas on how you can stop these symptoms as well! Julie
