Sometimes you have to walk away from a family member and create a new relationship that works for you – in terms of bipolar disorder. I love my brother- just as you probably love your family members even when they drive you bonkers. But, and this is a big one- you can’t always have the kind of relationship you want and need with someone just because they are a part of your family.
I know what I want from my brother- and after a lifetime of being together, you think I would know what he can and wants to give. I have to change and I’m trying. He is who he is. I found a journal from 1994 the other night and opened to a page randomly. And believe it or not, I found a paragraph with the 100% exact wording I had just used in my 2010 journal regarding my relationship with my brother. It was depressing and eye opening that I have waited so long to see the reality. People are who they are. He loves me. I never doubt that. That is my focus. I am the one who decides what I need and then have to go from there. I can’t drag someone along with me just because I need something different than they want to give.
Does this make sense?
Yes, I know- he’s super handsome- and he’s fun and a great singer too.
Julie
My son is bipolar, and similar to your brother, quite handsome, musically talented, and interesting. At this point, I’m just coming to the realization that our relationship, and his with each of his family, may never be a happy or fulfilling one, but we love him no matter what. I just wish one of the difficulties with bipolar did not have to be that the people around the patient tend to blame the patient for symptoms, but it is perfectly understandable. It is such a cruel condition and affects each one equally dramatically.
Hi Nancy,
I think that becuase I am the one with bipolar, I have tried to be so careful how I interact with others. This may be why I put up with a lot from people! It is harder if the person has bipolar- that is for sure. I do believe that there is always hope. I have seen many, many people with bipolar disorder just one day realize that they are tired of being sick and want to get some help. We have to be very realistic, but we can hope. Julie
My parents are one of my triggers–politically, my father has some very strange, violent ideas that I have spent much of my life trying to hide, to avoid, to escape, to educate others against his views. My mother refuses to recognize how very dangerous my father’s belief system is. My father is sexist to the point of believing that women should be “slapped around from time to time.”
Not only is there no help for me there, but as I am getting a better understanding of my issues, I am realizing that in order to have a healthy life I can’t pretend that they accept me, my disorder, or much about me.
I am not going to get any better if I live with someone in my life that thinks I am “crazy,” thinks that violence is acceptable, or thinks that I “need to be slapped around.”
Somehow I survived this. And my life hasn’t been a waste. And I need to not only remember this but live it every day.
Hi Jaye,
Walking away from relationship triggers is one of the most powerful ways to manage bipolar disorder- but this often means you leave the ones you love or those who are related to you. I have found I don’t always have to leave completely. I just have to leave when they are not treating me in a way that keeps me healthy. It has taken a long time to learn this skill. Is there a way you can remove yourself wihtout telling them the reason? I know this sounds a bit wussy, but it is a way to keep the peace and 100% take care of yourself. Or, it may be you have to make a complete break. I suggest that you do so without giving them any more ammunition they can use to mistreat you- the less explanation the better- if that makes sense! Julie
Hi Julie
My mother is a huge trigger for me. I’ve worked with my therapist to realise that she will never change and that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me. So I only spend time with her when I am well and I make sure that I am very well. She blames my husband for giving me bi-polar so there is definetly no conversation there. So most of the time I am able to manage this and the times that I get lost in her negativity I discuss it with my therapist and they are very good at helping me get back on track and accept that the problem i her and not me.
Hi Gail,
I agree. It is very possible to love and care deeply for someone and still take good care of yourself. I have found this means I am ready and available when the person I find stressful is in a good mood and wants to interact. I can make a choice and not feel resentment that the person is so all over the place with their behavior.
Thanks for the good advice! Julie