People often ask me: “Julie, isn’t bipolar disorder hyper sexuality just an excuse for someone to have a wild sex life and cheat whenever they want? It seems that when people say they can’t help how they act because hyper sexuality a part of a mania mood swing they are lying and making excuses!”
I can give an opinion from both sides of this situation- actually, three sides! I have bipolar disorder. I had a partner for ten years who has bipolar disorder and I write books on the topic and coach parents and partners regarding bipolar disorder.
Real bipolar hypersexuality is not an excuse for a wild sex life. Instead, it’s a symptom of bipolar illness. When manic, our frontal lobes turn off and our ability to make thoughtful decisions is diminished. This naturally leads to really, really poor choices around sexual behavior.
Bipolar Disorder Mania Basics
Bipolar is episodic. This means the hyper sexuality associated with mania in bipolar disorder will not be consistent. It will come and go and will always, without exception, be attached to an obvious manic episode.
I’m going to repeat this as it’s the most important fact around this topic. People with bipolar hyper sexuality are not continually cheating. They get manic and their sexual behavior changes greatly as compared to their normal behavior around sex.
Mania mood swing change the way we would normally act in our private lives. The sexual behavior created by hyper sexuality in mania is not a part of our personality and it is not based on what has happened to us in the past. It has nothing at all to do with trauma.
Hyper sexuality is the result of a chemical change in our brain that takes away our inhibitions and ability to make smart decisions. I call it the animal mood swing. When I’m hyper sexual, Iam a predator. I only want what I want and the feelings of others don’t matter to me. This is a mood swing. My regular self would never act or think the way I do when mania is raging.
Ever.
Bipolar Hypersexuality Leads to Personal Pain
People with bipolar disorder are usually very upset and confused about hypersexual manic mood swings. They ruin our relationships and cause great stress in our lives. STDs and unplanned pregnancies are common. These episodes have a very clear beginning, middle and end and when the mood swing is gone, we go back to our baseline behavior around sexuality and are often so shocked, embarrassed and are upset by what happened. There is one exception to this- and that is euphoric mania hypersexuality that is seen as a positive- a personal, sexual revolution that we believe changes our lives for the better! This is simply a lack of insight- and will often cause problems with our partners, but it’s hard for us to see this!
If the sexual behavior is truly due to bipolar disorder, medications and a good management plan help the person manage the mania that creates the hypersexuality. They keep people with bipolar on track. And yes, it’s can be VERY difficult to give up manic hyper sexuality. Very difficult.
I have to be very careful about hyper sexuality as it ruled my life for many years. I now manage it by managing my mania. I shared a link below about my own struggles with the symptom.
Avoid the Bipolar Hyper Sexual Conversation
All of my books teach you to avoid The Bipolar Conversation. (If you’re new to my work, this is a full chapter in both Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder and Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder).The way your partner talks about sexuality will sound very different when a mood swing is raging. The behaviors will be more sexual and the words will be different – such as changing the way he or she refers to a certain body part.If you try to talk to someone who is hyper sexual about their sexual behavior and they ignore you or tell you that it’s all in your head and they are fine, etc. you have to compare this behavior to regular behavior to know if what they are saying has anything to do with mania. If you have the Health Cards, creating a hyper sexuality card is very helpful.Many partners meet each other when the person with bipolar is manic and hyper sexual, so it might take some time to figure out symptoms so that you can learn to avoid The Bipolar Conversation.
Reader Question about Hypersexuality
I recently had a reader ask me about the difference between sexuality in general and hyper sexuality in bipolar. She said, “My boyfriend told me he wants to see other people. He still wants to be with me, but isn’t interested in staying monogamous as this is not how he wants to live his life. He told me that it was my choice if I wanted to stay with him. He was not out to hurt me. This was how he talked at the beginning of our relationship, but then he agreed to move in with me and I thought he had changed and wanted to be monogamous, but now it has come back.I went through our mania check list- like in Loving and to be honest, he is sleeping and work is ok right now.He’s not staying out late and he doesn’t have another girlfriend at this time. He said he just wanted to be honest and he was sorry it wasn’t working out like I hoped. Is he secretly manic and just doesn’t know it! How do I tell the difference!?”
This is not hyper sexuality. It’s too calm and it is words only. Hyperseuxality is mania and mania is always active. The words will be accompanied by fast talking, changes in the eyes, movements and behaviors associated with hyper sexuality such as suddenly getting on line for a hook up and meeting someone that night. The way the reader describes her boyfriend above simply sounds like he is telling her what he wants and needs.There is no great angst and he is clear in what he’s saying. It’s not mania.
Bipolar hyper sexuality will always be active. It will be filled with energy and purpose. It is goal driven and in many cases quite predatory. Sex outside the relationship is common. Hyper sexuality often feels GREAT to the person with bipolar and is devastating to the partner who doesn’t know what is going on in the relationship.
Hyper sexuality symptoms need to be listed on a symptom list and prevented just as you would prevent any bipolar disorder symptoms.
As a partner of someone with bipolar disorder, it’s essential that mania is discussed openly so that the manic symptom of hypersexiuality can be prevented.
Bipolar is an illness that often remains idle if there are no outside triggers. This is one reason that stability at home helps us find stability in our minds.
But wow, unless we decide to stay in a dark room and never go out in the world, we will find triggers around ever corner. This is especially true if we work with others.
Uncertain situations are stressful for us. Two people with two different ideas are not always great at working things out! People without bipolar do get upset in these situations, but for those of us with bipolar? Uncertainty can set off a chain of events that ends with a serious mood swing.
When I am in a situation that I find uncertain or upsetting, my brain goes into over drive. I start to pick fights in my head with the other person. My bipolar brain creates trouble for ME. It’s awful.
For the past 20 years, I have worked on a plan to help myself calm down in situations that used to lead to serious illness in the past. Here are a few strategies I use.
1. I truly, truly do NOT send the first email reply that comes to mind when I have to stick up for myself or answer to something I find upsetting. My brain starts churning the minute I read something difficult and boom, I want to write back and tell them where to stick it!
It never works out well. I have leraed from my experience and taught myself to write as much as I want, but I have to take the time needed to calm the heck down before I reply.
2. I use the ideas from the book The Four Agreements and constantly remind myself that while I always think I’m in the center of the universe, the person on the other side also thinks she is the center of the universe! This means I have to do everything possible to see her point of view or his point of view before exploding as I did in the past. My writing skills can create a pretty vicious email reply.
Not any more.
3. I learn from my triggers. If something makes me sick over and over again, I remove the trigger.
We are the master of our own ship- we are the only ones who can learn to control the brain that is in our head. It is up to us to recognize and learn from difficult and uncertain situations. My book Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder explains the process of trigger management in bipolar disorder.
I know my brain is not my friend. I know that how I react to the world is not normal. I know what stability feels like and I strive for it every day.
Oh, I do know how you’re feeling. The bipolar can be so rough sometimes. Here is one way to lessen the pain felt by bipolar mood swings.
Treat bipolar disorder as an illness.
It’s no different than having diabetes. If one had diabetes and had trouble with energy or felt faint when standing up, the natural response would be, oh, this is my diabetes! Why is it so different when one has bipolar?
When we’re depressed, or overwhelmed or we feel that life is hopeless and that we’re helpless, we go straight to blaming ourselves….
Why do I feel so bad!
What is wrong with me!
I’m a failure!
My life is worthless!
..instead of reminding ourselves that feeling bad is a symptom of the illness called bipolar!
Let’s change this behavior.
It’s normal to feel bad when you have bipolar. It’s a symptom.
The goal is to reduce the intensity and length of symptoms that make you feel so bad and work towards having more when you feel stable. Reminding yourself that bipolar is an illness and that feeling bad is simply a symptom that can be managed is a good place to start feeling better.
So, to answer your question, will I always feel this bad? No. If you learn to manage bipolar disorder using the ideas in Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder (or any system that works for you!) the times you feel bad can be reduced. For myself, I noticed that the intensity of how terrible I felt started to decrease once I used the system I now teach.
Eventually, not only did the intensity decrease, the amount of time I felt bad decreased.
Today, 20 years into my bipolar management ‘career,’ I can say that my days of feeling bad still feel freaking bad, but they’re truly, truly much less intense and of way shorter duration than in the past.
Management is HARD. Lifestyle changes are HARD. But I sure as heck choose difficult changes over felling bad all of the time.
Julie
PS: If you truly feel bad all of the time as compared to feeling bad during episodes and eventually getting better once they end, please ask for more help. Bipolar is episodic. Feeling bad over long periods of time is an indication that something else is present along with the bipolar.
Parent or Partner of a person with bipolar disorder in Portland, Oregon?
I hope you will join me for my next Meetup group: How to Talk to a Love One about Bipolar Disorder Treatment. We will meet on Saturday, September 21st from 4:00-6:00 PM. You can learn to talk to someone about bipolar, even if the person has lack of insight, can’t get help or refuses treatment. There is hope.
Let’s plan ahead for mood swings triggered by the sun in our eyes and late, bright sky evenings Summer’s sunshine is a notorious trigger for mania. To prevent summertime mania, keep taking your medication—even when it feels like you don’t need to.
Preventing mania takes a lot of self-awareness, especially in summer when it’s so nice to feel good again. Have you ever noticed that your mood is better in the summer? This makes sense when you consider that mood swings often run in cycles, depending on the natural light where you live.
“For many people who have bipolar disorder, too much light exposure can provoke mania and too little can lead to depression,” says John Preston, MD, coauthor of our book and psychopharmacology expert in the treatment of bipolar disorder who teaches at Alliant International University, Sacramento Campus. “This is why hospitalizations for mania peak in the summer, and for depression [they peak] in the late fall.
“It’s certainly tempting to spend more time outside in the summer, so one must make a focused effort to keep bright light exposure at about the same amount of time per day, year round,” adds Dr. Preston. “What matters is the amount of bright light entering the eye, which has been shown to have a significant impact on brain chemistry…so sunglasses help.”
Even though it helps to read a reasonable explanation about why we often get manic in the summer, it’s still hard to take it seriously. After all, summer feels so good. However, this good feeling is often the result of mania and therefore has to be monitored carefully. Mania is so tricky—it can sneak up on you in just a few hours. Before you know it, you’re staying up all night for a week (at the expense Follow Julie Fast’s Blogof your job and relationships), working on a project you just know will change the world. Meanwhile, everyone around you is asking, “What the heck is wrong with you? Have you lost your mind?”
There are two types of mania, depending on whether you have bipolar I or bipolar II. The basic difference between the two diagnoses is that people with bipolar I experience full-blown mania, while those with bipolar II experience hypomania. If not detected early, full-blown mania gets out of hand very quickly and often requires hospitalization. Hypomanic mood swings, on the other hand, can go undetected for years, which is why people with bipolar II are often diagnosed much later in life than are those with bipolar I.
The number one sign of full-blown mania is when you sleep a lot less, but have plenty of energy. It’s especially important that you look for mania symptoms if you have a winter depression that suddenly lifts once there is more light outdoors. People with hypomania have more difficulty recognizing the signs they’re manic than do those with full-blown mania. Rapid speech and over socializing are often signs of hypomania. The more you know about your particular form of mania, the easier it will be to notice the first signs that you need help. I know: It stinks to have to get help when you’re finally feeling good again, but mania is simply the flip side of depression and needs to be treated just as aggressively.
The best defense against summer mania is prevention. This, of course, starts with medications. But as you may already know, while medications are invaluable at preventing the large mood swings, many people with bipolar disorder still have to deal with the smaller manias that slip through the medications and create disasters. There is also the problem of going off medications because you start to feel good and your brain tells you you’re not really sick anymore. This is really easy to do when it’s so nice and sunny outside. You often feel so much better and you think: It’s finally over! No more bipolar disorder for me! I’m cured!
And yet, just as depression creates false feelings of despair and hopelessness, mania creates the false feelings that we are fine and no longer need medications. The treatment window for mania is much less than that for depression, which is why mania must be prevented, instead of merely treated when it happens to show up. If you have even one thought that you “don’t really need those medications any more,” this is a time to talk with your doctor.
I don’t know about you, but I find it a real burden to have to look for mania every time I start to feel good. It’s the reality of this disorder however, and I’ve found there are certain things I say, think, and do every single time I begin to get manic. By learning these signs, writing them down, and then teaching my friends and family to recognize them as well, I’ve finally gotten more control over my mania. You can do the same. Here is a short version of my list:
What I say:
Do you think I’m manic?
I don’t think I’m manic!
This weather is so fantastic!
I am so happy to finally feel better!
I’m not manic. I’m just not depressed.
Leave me alone! You just want to ruin my fun!
I’m normal! This is the real me!
What I think:
Am I finally better?
Is this the real me?
Was the diagnosis wrong?
What I do:
Go out every night.
Drink a lot more.
Talk a lot faster.
Join groups or take classes.
Meet new people like crazy.
Stop eating good food, or hardly eat at all. Sleep less.
I always try to evaluate myself as soon as I have the first thought that I might be manic. You can do the same.
Ask yourself the following questions: Have I stopped my medications because I feel better? Have I conveniently decided not to tell anyone about doing this? Am I sleeping a lot less than normal and not feeling tired at all? Am I more irritated with people than usual? Am I using drugs or alcohol without thinking of what they’re doing to my brain? Was I depressed in the winter and now feel a lot better? Are things getting done really easily? Have I stopped eating or taking care of the people in my life? Have I become selfish? Has anyone expressed concern about my behavior? If you answer yes to any one of these questions, it may be time to talk with your doctor about mania.
I’ve had too many summer manic disasters and they took a lot of recovery time. I don’t want to go through it again this summer. If you’re well enough to read this article and see mild signs of mania, you have time to prevent a serious mood swing that could land you in the hospital, or cause you to make decisions you will regret. Do now what it takes to protect yourself, your family, your finances, and your life. You will thank me (and especially yourself) when the next winter comes around.
* * * * *
Watch out for these summer mania triggers
Extra sunshine (such as staying at a park or beach all day)
Weddings (including your own)
Any travel at all, especially to a new time zone
Graduation (for yourself or your children)
Visitors to your home
July 4 (this is often a boisterous, all-day event with a lot of stimulation)
Summer activities such as water sports or baseball
Summer break from school
Printed as “Watch Out for Summer Mania”, Summer 2005 Bp Magazine.
Here are the comments from the original post!
47 COMMENTS
Mike June 14, 2019 at 6:01 am
I feel bad that we all go through this but It helps to know and read right now. Im not alone. Not that fly stuck on fly paper waiting to be squashed by some unseen and felt loss. I reading to study sign and options. This has been helpful.
Sian March 14, 2019 at 5:19 am
Oh wow!! What you described I’ve is exactly what I have gone through for years…winter depression and summer mania. I had no insight into this and neither was it explained to me that it was a common trait.
Thank you!
Steven July 12, 2018 at 11:56 am
I’m so manic I’m depressed! I’m sitting here listening to 70’s music I loved that bring me me back summers past……….and just crying for the people and places I miss. I want to move, to go to zing and I have no car, no money……….. so I sit and watch another summer slip away. I want to spend, I want to party, eat, read, watch, I stay up all night and sleep all day and then chase the afternoon wondering where the day went. I want to smell beach sand, and the ocean………… My mind races, my thoughts race, I kill myself working extra hours…………… I want it all to end, I want it to last forever………
Mina July 10, 2018 at 9:50 am
Does anyone have any empathy for me? I feel I am not on the right medications for bi polar, I’m taking Effexor xr 150 mg in morning, Zoloft 75mg at bedtime and clonazepam 1 mg. I ask people what they are taking not to pry, and I worked as a pharmacist so know about hippa
I have been badly struggling for the past 5 years with bi polar 2. Mainly a lot of depression but also hypomania. These days I have severe mood swings. I am now shopping for a new psychiatrist. If anyone can help I would appreciate. Also I could not take many mood stabilizers so if there is anyone who is able to control bi polar 2 without mood stabilizers please tell me how do you manage. It will be greatly appreciated. God bless!
Mina July 8, 2018 at 8:12 pm
I want to let the other bloggers know. I have been diagnosed with bi polar for only 3 years. After my hypomania and gambling away $3,000 to total $50,000, that is last year and this year, I had thoughts of committing suicide. I wanted to take all the pills I had. I called the suicide prevention line because there was a good part that still wanted to live. I am on Medicare this month so will have to shop for psychiatrists and psychologists.
I cannot afford to have another crises, I need to be helped with proper meds. I’m taking effexor xr 150 mg in morning. Zoloft 75mg , and clonazepam 1 mg.at.bedtime, this is helping me with my OCD, but not really my bi polar. I’m going throu a lot also have hoarding behavior and bi polar 2. Any suggestions
I love reading comments- my answers to questions are always the same. Use the ideas in the articles and in my books- know the first signs of mania and Treat Bipolar First. We can do this!
This blog is extra information related to my Bp Magazine Blog Making a Living When You Have Bipolar Anxiety.
How much of your behavior is anxiety? It’s a VERY untreated component of bipolar as well as a very common secondary diagnosis for people with the illness. Remember, if a person has anxiety when not manic or depressed, it IS NOT bipolar disorder. All symptoms of bipolar are attached to mania and depression.
I have a serious frontal lobe head injury that exacerbated my coexisting anxiety disorder. If I am really honest with myself about what I live with daily, it’s pretty overwhelming.
– Psychotic disorder that started at 16. I often have signs of schizophrenia due to the chronic nature of my psychosis. I get psychotic when depressed or manic (dysphoric mania) and separately when stressed. I definitely have anxious psychosis.
– Bipolar two that is almost bipolar one that started with hypomania at age 17. I will have a full blown manic episode if I use anti depressants, cannabis marijuana or steroids just to name a few on my forbidden to touch list! This means I am in between bipolar two and one. I took charge of my mania ten years ago and it saved my life. Mania is the MAIN PROBLEM IN BIPOLAR.
When you combine bipolar and a psychotic disorder it’s called schizoaffective. If you have bipolar and full schizophrenia, it’s two separate diagnoses. I have schizoaffective leaning towards schizophrenia. I am not scared of that word. It is just an illness of the brain.
– Anxiety disorder. I’ve had panic attacks all of my life and didn’t know what they were. My bipolar comes from my dad’s side of the family. The anxiety is from my mom’s side. No one in her family tree has bipolar, but they have anxiety and depression. I literally have no idea where the psychotic disorder comes from as I don’t have much contact with my dad’s side.
Knowing your partner’s symptoms is essential. We have very distinct mood swings as well as combined mood swings. Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder (for partners) and Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder (for all of us!) will help you unravel all of this. My Health Cards are being edited (I know, it is taking me forever to do this project due to my own symptoms) and will be available soon.
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The health information contained herein is provided for general education purposes only. This site should not be seen as a substitute for an official diagnosis or for professional health care.
I feel bad that we all go through this but It helps to know and read right now. Im not alone. Not that fly stuck on fly paper waiting to be squashed by some unseen and felt loss. I reading to study sign and options. This has been helpful.
Oh wow!! What you described I’ve is exactly what I have gone through for years…winter depression and summer mania. I had no insight into this and neither was it explained to me that it was a common trait.
Thank you!
I’m so manic I’m depressed! I’m sitting here listening to 70’s music I loved that bring me me back summers past……….and just crying for the people and places I miss. I want to move, to go to zing and I have no car, no money……….. so I sit and watch another summer slip away. I want to spend, I want to party, eat, read, watch, I stay up all night and sleep all day and then chase the afternoon wondering where the day went. I want to smell beach sand, and the ocean………… My mind races, my thoughts race, I kill myself working extra hours…………… I want it all to end, I want it to last forever………
Does anyone have any empathy for me? I feel I am not on the right medications for bi polar, I’m taking Effexor xr 150 mg in morning, Zoloft 75mg at bedtime and clonazepam 1 mg. I ask people what they are taking not to pry, and I worked as a pharmacist so know about hippa
I have been badly struggling for the past 5 years with bi polar 2. Mainly a lot of depression but also hypomania. These days I have severe mood swings. I am now shopping for a new psychiatrist. If anyone can help I would appreciate. Also I could not take many mood stabilizers so if there is anyone who is able to control bi polar 2 without mood stabilizers please tell me how do you manage. It will be greatly appreciated. God bless!
I want to let the other bloggers know. I have been diagnosed with bi polar for only 3 years. After my hypomania and gambling away $3,000 to total $50,000, that is last year and this year, I had thoughts of committing suicide. I wanted to take all the pills I had. I called the suicide prevention line because there was a good part that still wanted to live. I am on Medicare this month so will have to shop for psychiatrists and psychologists.
I cannot afford to have another crises, I need to be helped with proper meds. I’m taking effexor xr 150 mg in morning. Zoloft 75mg , and clonazepam 1 mg.at.bedtime, this is helping me with my OCD, but not really my bi polar. I’m going throu a lot also have hoarding behavior and bi polar 2. Any suggestions