Here is a reader question from my blog on respect in relationships:
Hey Julie!
Here’s a terrible question. What if the person who is not treating you with love and respect is your husband of 16 years? My friends comment on how he treats me. He’s not a complete ogre – just mostly. But I’m afraid to address the issues and stand up to him and advocate for what I need. Any thoughts?
Hi M,
This is not a terrible question AT ALL. It’s essential that we know who exacerbates our mood swings before we can actually do something about it. At least you’re not lying to yourself and that’s admirable. Here is my advice- the day that you decide you are worth more than the pain- and that you will not longer be treated disrespectfully is the day that you will stand up to him and say-
I love you. But I am no longer willing to allow you to treat me this way. I am changing and doing all that I can to manage my illness. I would like your help and support, but if you feel you can’t give it to me- I will find support in another way. I know who I am and what I want from life. I choose to have people in my life who respect this. Can we work on this together?
At this point you’re probably saying- Julie, you’re crazy- he will never listen to me! But that is not the point. What matters is that you say it over and over again. I have also found that just being silent helps. If there is no fuel there is no fire.
My brother is so moody that I literally have no idea what mood he will be in day to day- but I know who I am and how I will react. I am stable and steady around him. He does not control me nor does he have to affect my moods. It took me a long time to realize this. He’s a wonderful man when he’s normal and a mean and yelling man when he’s not. I encourage the normal and don’t react to the meanness- instead I say – This is not ok. I will not be treated this way. I would like to have a good relationship with you, but I won’t put up with this. And then I walk away. Just the other night he got mad at me and yelled about something so stupid! I just sat there until it ended and we went on with the conversation. For most of the time we have a great relationship. He knows full well that he’s unreasonable and he’s not a happy person in many ways- but he’s my brother so I let him be who he is- but our time together is determined by his mood. There are defintely times when I cry and get depressed becuase of his behavior- it’s a typical physiological reaction to our interaction- but it’s a lot less than it used to be.
It’s hard to do this- but my health is far more important than his anger. He has to deal with that on his own. You have spent 16 years with your husband. It’s now time to decide if you want to spend 16 more years with a man who treats you disrespectfully. If the answer is yes, then it’s time for you to change and see if he can keep up! 🙂
Wow, I went off on a tangent, but I hope this helps!
Julie
PS: I have learned a lot from the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. My book Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder is great even when you have the illness. It teaches skills for both partners regarding the illness and the communication problems that can arise!
