I believe there is a SELF inside of ME that is separate from bipolar disorder. When something stressful happens in my life- a trigger- my bipolar disorder is the first thing to react.
I rarely get to respond to life from my SELF.
Life goes through my bipolar disorder filter first. If I’m unaware of my own bipolar disorder symptoms, such as my tendency to paranoia, self flagellation and the doomsday feeling that life is never going to work out, I will react to something without thinking.
This is damaging. I fight this desire to act from my first thought. I step back and see if it is bipolar talking or if my SELF is in control.
So far, my SELF always comes in second. My goal is to put the SELF first and respond from that position.
It is so hard. It takes so much time. It is stressful and frustrating to have to second guess myself, but it saves my work and it saves my relationships.
I encourage all of us to know our symptoms, write them down and live from the SELF and not our bipolar disorder reactions.
It’s a life long process that I never fully master. I will never stop trying!
