When did having a mental health disorder become an excuse for being mean? I used to be a right blue meanie before I was diagnosed. I’ve shared this story before, but I’m sharing it again for those of you who are new to my work.
When I was in college (my 4th college and my 8th year!), I had a friend I really liked named Gwen. We were both tutors for the University of Washington football team. It was an amazing job with a lot of interesting encounters and many perks.
But I had undiagnosed bipolar and didn’t know why I was always so unhappy. I complained about everything and looking back, I can’t believe I kept as many friends as I did. One night, Gwen and I were walking up a long set of stairs to attend an interesting event that a lot of people wanted to go to and we were a few of those on the guest list. I was complaining and complaining about who knows what, but I do remember saying, “Wow, there are a lot of stairs, “ or something like that and she stopped, right on those stairs and looked at me and said, “No more! I can’t take it any more! I can’t take one more negative comment from you! I am done! I am done! Nothing is good enough! Nothing!” I was crushed because she was right. I was so negative. I hated it about myself. Everyone hated it. I had no idea where it came from as I was often a lot of fun which is why I had so many friends in the first place.
I was raised in a very negative environment. This was pointed out to me many times by therapists, but I still had so much trouble controlling my negativity during certain times.
My diagnosis answered many questions, but no one really taught me how to handle myself in social situations. I would be cheerful and fun (euphoric mania) and then mean and nasty (negative depression.)
I fight my negative thoughts to this day. My question for myself and for you is What are we going to do about negativity so that we don’t take it out on others?
Here is what I do- and believe me, it’s always a work in progress.
- I’m careful on social media. I often write opinion pieces that others find upsetting. When someone says I’m being mean or unkind, I listen and I examine what I have written. I learn. What I ask is that we think of how we show our displeasure with others online. When I write a comment, I start with the positive and then voice my more negative feelings in a way that shows it is simply an opinion and not an attack.
- I ask others for advice. The people around me must let me know if I’m being too negative. I can’t always hear it in myself. This is especially true in a romantic relationship. People who love us romantically will handle our negativity a lot longer than the general public, but eventually people will snap, just as Gwen did on the stairs.
Bipolar mood swings make me mean and nasty. Depression makes me see the dirt of the world. Dysphoric mania not only makes me negative, but it fills me with the attacking desire to actually harm others with my words.
This world is not here to please me. I am here to interact in the world and hopefully leave a positive mark with my work. It is a struggle. This bipolar is strong. I have a list of my very unappealing symptoms that I memorized a long time ago. When they show up now, I fight them. I write them in my journal. I do a blog post. What I don’t want to do is take them out on others. I have bipolar and it can make me mean, but this is not an excuse for bad behavior.
